They being the doctor and the internet.
'You have what appears to be a severe case of hayfever my dear. Take these pills and use this cream and you'll be fine in a few days'.
Three months down the line, a desperate phone call to NHS Direct and a trip to the emergency Out Of Hours Doctors later, we've established; this ain't no hayfever. It's extreme eczema caused by weather change. You heard. Weather change.
So basically, my face can be used in place of BBC Weather for real-time temperature and climate information. Talk about a
I like to think that, just like Peter Parker, I have developed my own personal superpower overnight. Screw spidey sense, I can judge humidity. And that's not all. Using words to express information is for boring ordinary people. Get this. Instead, my face will do it for me in the form of puffiness and swelling. If that's not an enviable talent, I don't know what is.
By now, you're probably shaking with jealousy. Well, let me tell you buddy, it's not a gift to be taken lightly. With great power comes great responsibility. People stop in supermarkets and stare in awe at me*. I'm basically a modern day Prophet. What can I say, I'm blessed.
*N.B. To the wanker in Tesco who asked if I'd 'had a late night', I hope you step on Lego.
